Traditional Marriage Counseling Alternative, Abuse/Domestic Violence and

Over 75% of people that go to a traditional marriage counselor, report that they're marriage is worse off then before or they divorced in less then a year later, totally unprepared for the divorce experience. Many have had horrible experience in marriage counseling that ended with  distrust, bitterness and complete isolation.

Many people have spent time and money in marriage counseling trying to solve their problems. They have tried to learn different techniques only to find that nothing worked and at best they were still trapped in an unhappy marriage. 

If you're willing to make it work then I can help you. Whether you've tried marriage counseling or not, Self Transformation works for relationships suffering from:

Infidelity • Lost Trust • Emotional Neglect • Addictive Behaviors

Emotional Abuse • the Brink of Divorce • Boredom • Separation

A Stubborn Spouse • Emotional Infidelity • Silent Treatments

You can do the program together, but one of the unique features about Self Transformation, as opposed to traditional  marriage counseling, it can work even when only one spouse does it.

Answer These Questions:

• Did you marry at an early age?
  
• Did you not graduate from high school?
  
• Are you in a low-income bracket?
  
• Are you in an inter-faith marriage?
  
• Did your parents divorce?
  
• Do you criticize one another?
  
• Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
  
• Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
  
• Do you feel contempt for one another?

If you answered "yes" to most of these questions, then you are statistically a higher risk for divorce than couples who have realistic expectations of one another and their marriage.

If the person you’re involved with acts controlling, aggressive,

coercive or violent, that’s abuse. Relationships can be

abusive even if there is no hitting: abuse can be verbal,

emotional, physical, sexual or spiritual.

Ask yourself: Does my partner…

Call or page me frequently to find out where I am, who I’m with, or

what I’m doing?

Call me names, insult me or criticize me?

Act jealous, possessive, controlling or bossy?

Give me orders or make all the decisions?

Take my paycheck against my wishes or control all the finances?

Threaten to hurt me or someone in my family if I don’t do what they

want?

Threaten to hurt themselves if I don’t do what they want?

Follow me or track where I go?

Refuse to allow me normal contact with my family and friends?

Shove, punch, slap, pinch, kick or hit me? Pull my hair? Strangle me?

Does my partner hit me; does he/she act sweet and loving afterward?

Say he/she’s sorry? Cry? Buy presents?

Use alcohol or drugs and pressure me to do it too?

Destroy household or personal belongings or abuse pets?

If so, you are in an abusive relationship. We can help.

Anyone can be involved with an abuser. It can happen in straight or

gay relationships. Both women and men are victims, but

women and men abuse their partners in different ways. In some

relationships the abuse only happens once in a while; in others it’s

every day.

Approximately, one-third of women who are murdered each

year are killed by current or former partners.

If you are being abused, you might…

Believe it’s your fault.

Feel angry, sad, lonely, depressed, or confused.

Feel helpless to stop the abuse.

Feel threatened, humiliated or ashamed.

Feel anxious, trapped or lonely.

Worry about what might happen next.

Feel like you can’t talk to family or friends.

Be afraid of getting hurt.

Feel protective of your partner.

These are normal reactions to being abuse.

You are not alone.

If someone you know is being abused, you can help.

Listen. Show support. Don’t blame the victim for the crime. Tell your

friend that you’re worried about them. Ask how you can help.

Encourage your friend to seek help; give them information about

credible confidential victim service providers.

Instead of deciding what’s best for your friend, help your friend make

their own decisions.

Find someone you can talk to about your feelings about the situation. 

Getting a divorce can be one of the most stressful experiences in your lifetime. All too often people stay together longer than the relationship should have lasted and that only makes it worse. During the time period up to the divorce, self esteem and confidenceof both parties can be lowered. creating an overall lack of self worth.

Divorcing couples agree change is the major theme of divorce. Divorce changes our lifestyle, changes our roles, changes our friendship circles, changes the meaning of the world. When couples have tried all they could to save a marriage and “failed,” the losses and changes they experience can be overwhelming. It is a time of significant stress for all family members emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually.

The major goal of this program is to stimulate personal growth by preparing one for the new role as a single or separated person and by creative problem solving regarding the many changes that occur in lifestyles after separation, such as raising children in a single-parent household, loss of social support from friends, and loss of emotional support from the former spouse. When a couple agrees to work together untangling the mystery of their lives together, they offer an invaluable gift of cooperation and a new kind of love. In most cases, however, divorce counseling is done individually.

Learning about how our interactions with family and friends, and their treatment of us, have molded our roles, patterns, rules, goals, and beliefs better prepare us for a brighter future. This rite of passage can turn crisis into opportunity, pain into healing, failure into success next time around.

From years of working with divorcing-couples and their families, I have identified seven (7) factors which contribute to the success of one adjusting to the changes divorce creates:

1. One must first accept the fact that he or she is becoming a formerly married person, and to accept this change as a time for personal growth, rather than attributing the divorce to personal failure.

2. Emotional feelings of attachment one has toward the former spouse must not trap him or her and prevent developing new relationships.

3. Understanding one's feelings such as anger, guilt, sadness, and loneliness, through clarification and expression of feelings.

4. The decision to find and use a support system.

5. Ability to develop and interact with new relationships.

6. What went wrong with the past marriage is identified and clarified.

7. By working through such feelings as denial, guilt, hopelessness, and insecurity, an emotional relearning occurs.

Our approach is to guide individuals and couples through a life crisis that society does not prepare one for. By dealing with the common problems of divorce, one can enjoy the satisfaction of new beginnings. Divorce can be dealt with in counseling as a means of achieving growth toward a more satisfying way of life.

The process of changing and rebuilding family and individual life patterns will create psychological and emotional pain. However, the amount of pain an individual experiences can be lessened if one chooses to enter counseling where they will encounter structure and guidance and learn ways to cope with their pain which may otherwise be distorted or dwelled upon. Counseling teaches the skills necessary to work through emotional, social, and psychological pain. More specifically, counseling can help individuals committed to the process by offering:

1. A place for families and individuals to freely express their thoughts and feelings. Relying on friends for support is a normal reaction, but eventually they will not have the patience or understanding and lose interest. Depending on friends and family will also prevent one from developing new relationships.

2. The skills necessary to learn how "not to hurt".

3. Understanding the difference between developing some relationships while choosing to postpone others.

4. The planning and adjustment to new roles such as being a single parent, returning to school, or reentering the job market.

5. Supportive counseling for change, choice and personal growth.

Counseling can teach us individually or as a couple how to adjust to personal changes. It is an experience which moves one through feelings of loss and confusion to a sense of emotional independence and personal strength. Honoring a significant Rite of Passage is an opportunity to heal old wounds so as to avoid playing them out again and again in the future.

Are your parents divorced or getting a divorce? Although adult children of divorced parents may not think about it all the time, their lives have been subtly influenced by their parents' divorce. A divorce always affects children, even adult children, and almost always has some lingering effects. For example, consider the following questions:

• Do you feel guilt or responsibility for your parents' divorce?
• Have you ever felt that you lost part of your childhood because of the divorce?
• Do you feel either of your parents depends too much on you for emotional support?
• Do you find yourself in the role of  " peacemaker" when your parents argue?
• Do you feel that either parent is so involved with his or her own problems or new relationships that your feelings or needs are often overlooked?

How to Cope With Your Parents' Divorce

Let's start with some basics. First, you did not cause your parents' marital problems or divorce. Second, it is typical and normal to have strong emotional responses to the divorce, often accompanied by feelings of split loyalties to your parents and pressures to rescue the more fragile parent. Third, you have a right to continue your own life and to attend to your own hopes and needs during this period. Consider the following ideas about what you have a right to want or expect, even if your parents are not currently able to provide them or able to understand their importance.

• You have the right to want a satisfying relationship with each parent.
• You have the right not to be caught between your parents as they struggle with each other.
• You have the right to your feelings whether they are anger, frustration, pain, love, etc.
• You have the right to work through your feelings and to receive cooperation from other family members in dealing with problems you are experiencing related to your parents' divorce.
• You have the right to maintain your position in priority for family resources, especially concerning support for school.

Basic Guidelines for Survival and Growth

DON'T GO THROUGH THIS PERIOD ALONE. Despite frequently touted ideals of rugged independence and making it alone, there is no particular virtue or benefit in going through a crisis completely alone. More realistically, isolation can raise already excessive stress levels, delaying your progress and possibly leading to later complications. Support and acceptance by other people are absolutely essential during big changes.

1. CARE FOR YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY. Adjustment to your parents' divorce takes enormous amounts of energy. If you don't take care of yourself, stress may get the upper hand. Listen to yourself, your emotions are not tyrants, but are parts of you that have a right to be heard and cared for. Make time for your inner self, for contemplation and for quiet time alone. Find safe ways to blow off steam, ways to let some of your tensions escape. Take time out for exercise, rest, and recreation.
2. DON'T BECOME AN EMOTIONAL JUNKIE. People can get hooked on strong emotions such as anger, depression, grief, blame, guilt, hostility, or revenge. An emotional junkie doesn't work out feelings in safe or structured ways, but instead wants to keep the feelings. Emotional junkies wear their feelings like a badge of courage. To avoid becoming an emotional junkie, it is important to take stock of your emotions to see if they are truly expressions of how you feel or if they are habits, ways of getting attention, or ways to avoid other feelings.
3. EXPECT TO EXPERIENCE A RANGE OF FEELINGS. Individuals whose parents are divorcing or divorced often experience problems with concentration, feelings of sadness, anger, and depression. They may also be preoccupied with anxieties about the future, and with feelings of responsibility for one or more family members. Reactions like these are normal and healing takes time. Sharing these feelings with others who have had similar experiences may be helpful.
4. BECOME INFORMED ABOUT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. Divorces frequently are accompanied by an absence of accurate, open communication with children." It is important that you break this conspiracy of silence and talk directly with each of your parents. Discuss such matters as when the divorce will occur, who will be living where, and what changes, if any, will happen with your financial arrangements. Focus on what you need to know for your plans, not on information which is more properly in the private domain of each parent.
5. KEEP CLEAR OF UNHEALTHY ALLIANCES. Divorcing parents often slip into trying to get you to side with one against the other. This may be done blatantly, by openly criticizing and blaming the other parent, or subtly, by being more needy and vulnerable than the other parent and asking for excessive help or comfort. With few exceptions, these efforts by parents are designed either to get revenge against the wrong doer" or to avoid the pain and anxiety of their own problems. To protect your own emotional well-being you will need to clearly and firmly refuse to be put in the middle.
6. HELP YOUR PARENTS UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO FOR YOURSELF. During a divorce and its aftermath, your parents may have difficulty seeing things clearly or being helpful to you. Your efforts at this time to help them understand what your experiences are and how you are trying to take care of yourself may prevent hurt feelings or misinterpretations of your actions.
7. FIND OUT WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Reactions vary widely to the situation of parental divorce. There are no foolproof methods for getting through it. So, pay attention to whatever you find helpful, to whatever allows you to stay involved in your own life productively without ignoring the feelings and issues raised by the divorce. Above all, try to avoid making major decisions and changes in your life plans. Your familiar surroundings, friends, activities, and plans will usually help you keep on the right path.
8. LEARN TO USE HELPING RESOURCES OUTSIDE YOUR FAMILY. Families almost instinctively exclude or try to protect themselves from outsiders" during a crisis. Your parents' divorce makes it especially important for you to be resourceful about other places and people who can help. Friends will listen, and written materials can help you better understand what's going on. In addition, established groups such as your church, self-help groups, and professional counselors can provide additional support in helping you through this time.

 e-mail: kinneyce@hughes.net or 231-775-1033